"Can he see out from behind that thing?"
"...Is there a bird living in there?" (Yes, there was.)
"He must have to blend all his food and suck it through a straw to get it into his mouth...."
"That man must be from OREGON."
These are just a few of the varied whispers which have followed me and my new beard around campus during the month of November. It has proven a noteworthy, if heavy, addition to my face and to the university as a whole.
The occasion for my brazen disregard towards facial tidiness is, of course, No-Shave November. In case you are unfamiliar with No-Shave November, it is a bi-annual celebration of all things beardly during which participants forgo shaving their facial hair for one month. And what a glorious, monumental, life-changing month it is. Believe me, I speak from a position of considerable expertise at the moment; a thick, healthy beard has the power to bring you up a few notches in the world. My first day with a beard, a local restaurant paid me to sit inside and eat their food all day (they posted record sales). On my fourth day with a beard, a woman stopped her car in the middle of a crowded intersection just to shake my hand.
On my tenth day with a beard, the USC sorority houses had a bidding war over which group of ladies were to be permitted the honor of cleaning the lustrous locks on my countenance (it took fourteen bottles of shampoo). Nowadays, my face is so warm that I have to bring several water bottles to school in the morning just to replenish all the sweat emanating from my golden beard. But it's all worth it. My vivacious beard is the gift which keeps on giving. It saved a cat stuck in a tree last week, and I think the cat is still in there somewhere. Yesterday, I found twenty British pounds buried in it. Needless to say, I was a little confused: doesn't my beard know we're in America? But I think it's best not to ask questions. At this point, it accounts for about 40 percent of my total body mass, so I'd like to avoid any type of serious confrontation because, let's face it, it could get pretty hairy.I think I've made it glaringly obvious by now that I don't have anything important to do tonight. I haven't written as often I would like to, but believe it or not, this nonsense takes time.
But life is good. Despite my pathetic attempt at facial hair, my days have been happy. School is going well. I'm looking forward to my big Thanksgiving trip, and can't wait for Christmas. Mom and Dad, I'll see you before you know it.
